Miss Minaj

Where the hell did this girl come from?  Guest rapping on tracks and putting out a mix tape sure gets you a lot of attention.  Enough to score a record deal, and a spot on the Young Money roster?




















I loved Nicki Minaj's "My Time Now" documentary.  She bought her family a house, she explained the boss bitch attitude, and exposed her true passion for...acting?  Say wha?

This woman thinks she's on the fast track to building her so-called empire and leaving the hip hop game as a legend.  Honey, you're good, but you're not that good.  And these crazy hair-dos and costumes?  It's been done.  By whom?  Your arch nemesis, actually.  The one you've been blasting on tracks about being a has-been.

       

Let's compare stats:

Raised out of NYC (Minaj - Queens, Kim - Brooklyn) - CHECK!
Favorite color is pink - CHECK!
Discovered by legendary hip hop mentor (Minaj - Wayne, Kim - Biggie) - CHECK!
Part of hip hop group (Minaj - Young Money, Kim - Junior Mafia) - CHECK!
Sexual raps - CHECK!
Ridiculous hair and costumes - CHECK!
Black Friday...Pink Friday.

Just my 2 cents on the whole deal.  While some things are clearly coincidental, others (the wigs?) are not.  Nicki, if you want to be a game-changer, you better put out something more original.  Let's start with your swagger.

Deeeeeeeeetroit! Tampa too.

I realize not everyone's as into me as I am (idiots), but I wanted to take a few moments to explain my background.  My affinity for over-populated tourist traps can be summed up with Intution's "Buzzkill" song:

"I was raised in the sticks but I love me some city life."

I grew up in the U.P.  The "up?"  Excuse me?  What the fuck is that?  It's that little part of Michigan that has a 50% chance of making it on any map or picture of the United States.  There's nothing up there except trees and deer.  Yes, we have running water.  No, I don't ride my snowmobile to school...hmmm...but some people did.  Also, it's a povery zone!  Neat-o, kids!

I've never moved.  I spent my childhood there, I went through my awkward adolescent phase there, and even went to college there.  Further north.  For all intensive purposes, Canada.  Minus the free healthcare.

When I graduated, I moved to Tampa.  Culture shock, but a great one.  After a few years, Justin and I moved back to the midwest.  Central Wisconsin.  His preference, not mine.  This place is ridic.  Let me itemize all the ridiculous questions I've asked myself in my 6 month stint here:

What. The. Fuck...is that smell?  Cow maneure.
What. The. Fuck...does that bumper sticker say?  Something about Brett Farve?
Does everyone own a barn?
Does everyone love the Packers?
Highest propery tax of any state.  I'm paying extra to live here?
I can't buy beer after 10 pm?
But the bars open at 8 am?
Shaking dice?  I can gamble for free booze?
There's a blizzard in April?
You don't have a Bebe in this mall?
I'm the skinniest girl here?
You live in Milwaukee...on purpose?
It's a cheese/liquor store?

Needless to say, I'm pretty excited about a weekend in Detroit.  Even more excited to return to Tampa. 

Vodka Battle

I *might* love vodka more than Chelsea Handler.  I'm not getting paid the same as her for our alcohol affinity, but we sure have great taste.

Came across this article from Alex Abramovich, who taste-tested some of the top vodka brands. Kudos for pointing out the faults of the overrated Absolut brand. Yes, we know the Swedish medicine-turned-vodka bottle is ironic, but the gnarly aftertaste...well, I suppose that's irony as well, considering it's on the pricey side. Hipsters, beware. Stick to your tall cans of PBR, and save this for the amateurs foolish enough to pay for it.

"Hit Me With Your Best Shot"

Don't mistake me for a vodka snob.  Svedka is still my underrated and affordable champion.  Kettle One, if it's not my bar tab.  Better yet, I should take a cue from Mr. Abramovich, and test these myself.  Not like I have a job, preventing my imminent bender.

The Rob Drydek Mantra: Make Your Own Luck

What a great message.  What a positive person.  What a ballin life.  There was an episode of Fantasy Factory where Rob encourages his younger cousin, Drama, to live up to his brand, "Young and Reckless."  There is no doubt that Rob is living up to his.

I've never found bunny torture "adorable," until Rob Drydek proved me wrong

Hair Product All-Stars

I spend in inordinate amount of time on beauty...especially my hair.  We're not just talking about the time it takes between waking up to your alarm and being somewhere important.  I get that; it takes forever to shampoo/condition/moisturize/blow-dry/straighten/tweeze/cover/plump/etc.  But think about the other beauty stuff...waxing your bikini line, pedicures, highlights, trying to not look like an avatar.  It's exhausting and expensive.  This leads me to my point...

Life is too short to use shitty beauty products.

I've compiled a list of my hair "all-stars" to make being a girl less painless, without having to rock the Sinead O' Connor look.

Hair Pick #1: Dry Shampoo
Apparently you're not supposed to wash your hair everyday.  I see articles all over the web about "no-pooing" to restore your hairs natural shine and health.  Pretty sure my employer and my man don't want to see my greasy mop.  Enter dry shampoo.  Baby powder works just as well, but I'd only recommend this for blondes.  Brunettes, you're going to look like you have premature gray roots.

This stuff is a little pricey, but it's fucking epic:

Ojon Dry Cleansing Spray

Hair Pick #2: Coconut Oil
Learned this trick from my Indian co-worker.  Do you realize that most wigs and hair extensions are made of Indian hair?  The reason women in India have such lustrous, beautiful hair is coconut oil. 

Massage the oil into your roots.  Apply to dry areas, like your ends.  I wrap my head in a bandana and let it sink in for several hours.  Be cautioned: no matter how much you wash this stuff out, you will have a greasy doo the next day.  Probably a good idea to try this when you don't have any social obligations.

Hair Pick #3: Aveda Institutes
Long hair + Blonde highlights = Expensive.  It never quits.  You have heinous roots if you don't go, you look like a spotted cow if you try it yourself, and you look like a hooker if you nix the highlights and go all blonde.  It makes the bi-monthly trips to the salon essential, and also detrimental to your wallet.

Aveda Institutes are affordable and produce great results.  They use quality products (obvs), and the students want to do a good job.  I get my 2 month highlight touch-ups done there.

http://www.avedainstitutes.com/

Yummy Lazy Dessert

I'll be the first to admit it; I can't cook and I can't bake.  I have a better chance performing a lobotomy than baking a pie to anyone's liking. 

Below is a recipe for making a dessert that will change your life, without requiring any "cooking skills."  Skip the chambord & raspberries layer if A) You fall into the category of "super special lazy" or B) Recipes that ask for liquor and DON'T get you drunk sort of pisses you off. 

Frozen Raspberry Layer Cake Recipe

Can't You Just Be Romantic?

If you google "living together expectations," one of the first few images that pops up is an engagement ring.  Ha.  Silly girls.  You do not know someone until you live with them.  Truth.  When Justin and I got our first apartment together, we had different expectations:

Mine: Playing House

His: Sex on Demand
















Most couples will agree; you tend to sink into the comfort zone.  It took all of a week for Justin to start pantsing me.  Beers would be cracked before 10 a.m. on weekends.  Not that it's completely one-sided.  The lacy, stringy underwear that I used to wear started slowly retiring their way back to the bottom of my underwear drawer.  My disgusting eating habits of cookie dough and Doritos at 3 a.m. after bar close were exposed.  My legs started looking like they belonged to a lumberjack feminist butch.  That's like the sex kitten trifecta, right?  Comfort zone just doesn't cut it.  It's like a flagrant disregard for personal hygiene and courtesy with your significant other.

So what happened to the romance?

You tell me.  I'm still trying to find it (along with other things, such as my allure and dignity).  The best advice I can give others who are transitioning into the we-living arrangements is to keep it spontaneous.  Surprises.  Thoughtful gestures.  Ladies, a razor perhaps?

Justin's idea of romance would probably include steak, a beer, and a sexual act involving my mouth.  Super duper.  His level of accuracy with romance resembles a 6-year-old kid.

The Lauren Conrad Method of Growing Out Roots

Not a huge L.C. fan (go team Kristin!), but I'm amazed by how she pulls off this look.  She makes growing out your roots look chic.  Makes me want to run out and get a dip dye.  Almost.

How To Avoid Talking To People You Don't Want To Talk To

When I Have Sad Days...

This generally cheers me up.  Go Nicoley!  Go Nicoley!

Our Generation's It Girl

She's already carved her spot in the list of our generation's fashion icons.  I think it speaks volumes that she's the spokesperson for Chanel (swoon), and she doesn't have a stylist.  And come to think of it, I've never seen her in any "worst dressed" magazine spreads.

My only worry is the street cred she's not getting from being in Gossip Girl.  Or Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.  Did this girl not hire an agent either?

Welcome to the Dollhouse

Some of my friends are such badasses.  When she's not at med school or looking like a Kim Kardashian look-a-like, my friend Amnah finds time to flip condos in Detroit.  Yeah, in the worst housing market in the United States, she's flipping shit like pancakes.  What a rockstar.

If she wasn't my friend, I'd hate this bitch for having everything.  Smart.  Hot.  Sweet.  Savvy.  Egyptian.  Southern Belle.  Engineer.  Future Doctor.  Fashionista.  Carpenter?  Oh, and did I mention she can lay tile and fix your potty too?  Here are some before and afters from her condo:

I'll admit, this is the kind of stuff I'd imagine in Alice in Wonderland.  But it's totally chic, and her style.

Guys, she's single.  Just saying.

Pink Cocktail

Delicious drink.  Low calorie too...not that anyone's stressing about calories when they're dancing on tables and falling in bushes.

Carbonated flavored water - $ .68 at Walmart
P.I.N.K. vodka

Delish!

Emo is Hardcore

My fiance, Justin, and I have been talking about wedding music.  Specifically, the first dance.  While I'd like something jazzy and classic like Billie Holiday or Frank Sinatra, especially since it fits into the theme of the wedding, he's pretty adament about having "our song:"

Led Zeppelin - The Rain Song

What better place than our wedding to let the cat out of the bag that we were a bunch of pot-smoking, Pink Floyd-loving hippies?  Sorry grandma, but we met in college.

Since Justin won that battle, I've been researching some good ceremony music.  I'm a huge acoustic fan, so Dave Matthews and Jack Johnson are definitely on my list.  However, I was surprised by how much emo music I found.  Awesome emo music.  Hardcore emo music.  The kind of shit that makes 14-year-old girls dye their hair purple and write suicide letters. 

Not to rag on emo.  Embarrassingly, I used to listen to a lot of it in high school.  Dashboard, Bright Eyes.  Oh yeah.  One time I got so drunk at a Deathcab for Cutie concert that I passed out in the middle of the crowd.  Bam.  Face to floor.  I suppose that sort of behavior is acceptable at, say, an Ozzy concert, but really...Deathcab?

Makes me think emo really IS hardcore.

Alas, here is a list of my favorite ceremony songs:
Jimmy Eat World - Hear You Me (Instrumental)
Iron & Wine - Such Great Heights
Ben Harper - Forever
David Gray - This Year's Love
Say Anything - I Want to Know Your Plans (Acoustic)
Dashboard Confessional - Stolen (Acoustic)
Dave Matthews Band - #40

P.S.
I could see this happening at our wedding...

What kind of beer do I want?

Not sure when it all happened, but sometime between bonging Natty Light in college, and turning into a so-called adult, I became a beer snob.

Kudos for having Unibroue La Fin du Monde on the list below.  Unibroue has awesome beer in general, with funny French-Canadian names for them, such as my "end of the world" favorite.  Points were deducted for excluding Bells Oberon and New Glarius Apple Ale.

If you need to find a beer, click here.

Grandma Panties

I've spent weeks trying to find "the perfect dress" to upstage other girlfriends at a wedding that's coming up.  Yeah, I admit it.  I want to dress better than (insert name here) at (insert function here).  Hopefully, my vanity doesn't factor into the shitty karma I already have.

To my dismay, I can't rock spanx to this function, as it's a backless dress.  I'll have to actually...gasp...work out?!  I have 15 days to get rid of the love handles I've accumulated since I moved back to the midwest.  It made me wonder how, less than a year ago, I rocked granny panties in public and pulled it off.

Yes, you read that correctly.  Granny panties.

As a practical joke, one of my friends mailed me a "mysterious" package of granny panties while I lived in Florida.  I know.  We're freaks.  Typically, the story would've gone something like, "ha ha...into the garbage you go," but I happened to receive her package during Halloween.  Since I didn't have a costume, and I was in the best shape of my life, I decided to seize the moment.  Or rather, seize the panties.

Incase you're wondering...I was going for "Retired Victoria's Secret Model."  And yes, I had roll of toilet paper stuffed in each bra cup.

Unlike my favorite female comedian, Miss Whitney Cummings, I normally don't consider this the undergarment norm.

Shoes - exactly what I want

Being that I'm 5'10 and not a supermodel, I find it a little tricky to find the perfect pair of heels.  Let's face it, guys want women who are "leggy," not freakish amazons.  Anyways, there is a site that will allow you to design your perfect pair of heels to your exact specs.  My only gripe is that they don't allow for sole customization.  Um, hi, Christain Louboutin?  Can I get a pair of these that don't cost more than my rent?  

Milk & Honey Shoes